So I’ve tried and tried to get over whatever this virus is that is kicking my arse. I’ve been limping along, trying to work from home, mother, etc, etc, ever since I got out of the hospital, and I still feel so weak that just getting C dresed in the morning exhausts me. Everything makes me want to lie down and fall asleep. Driving feels unsafe. Cooking food feels impossible. This is a rotten way to feel, and I am very ready to be done with it.
Today I was supposed to do a presentation at a luncheon. I was really looking forward to it. Considering how sick I’ve been/am, the idea that I COULD do a presentation right now is sort of ridiculous. I have no idea why I continued to insist that I could do it. Frankly, it was rather stupid and irresponsible of me. But as soon as I woke up this morning, I knew I could not. And I had to contact the organizers and tell them. I felt just awful to cancel on such late notice (although I am happy to say that I was able to get someone awesome to replace me).
Having to cancel this made me realize that something had to give. So this morning I had a conversation with my wonderful boss, who made it perfectly clear to me that she had been thinking the same thing, and that unless I TRULY allow myself to get well – time, space and quiet – I would not heal, and I would relapse and end up back in the hospital. She really helped me understand that sometimes you simply have to let go.
A radical concept for me.
But I am taking Cathy Ackermann’s completely wise, yet somewhat scary advice. I am letting go, completely.
I am staying in bed and off my feet and asleep and reading a book or two for the next week – til 10/26. No client work, driving, meetings, proposals, Twittering, blogging….just resting…and healing…and letting go.
I still don’t really know how all of this will work. I am worried that clients will be unhappy if I am unavailable completely for a week. And how will I mother my children? Just getting them to school and back and to appointments, etc is a challenge. I mean, Jon can’t do everything. So I did something perhaps even MORE radical than this letting go thing. I actually asked for help.
I actually sent an email to good friends asking if they can help me with getting the kids where they need to be for the next 5 or 6 days, and I even asked for help with keeping my family fed. Now that was radical for me. I have trouble accepting help even when people ofer it, but to ask for help? I still can’t believe I did it.
And now, I am going to sleep. In my bed. I am going to concentrate on healing my body and resting and truly letting go. I am going to trust that this will all work out. My kids will eat and get to school, with homework done. My clients won’t abandon me. My job will still be there. My friends won’t think I am a big whiner because I proactively asked for help.
I will be WELL and I will get my strength back, and I will be myself again. In fact, I plan to send this virus packing, simply by resting, It”s sort of a Gandhi-esque radical non-violent approach to getting well from a viral infection.
So it’s the rest cure for me (let’s hope it works better for me than it did for Charlotte Perkins Gilman).
I will see all of you again next week, after my week of complete rest and focus on healing. I’ll let you know how it goes.